Why My Christmas is Still Merry
Dec 22, 2009 personal
Sometimes, the my best method of coping is through writing. Here I am.
To say the last two months have been difficult would be an understatement. But I survived.
In November, an employee who had also become a great friend was hospitalized. He went into a coma and never came out of it. A week later he passed away. Jim was two weeks older than me. His passing really made me put my own life into perspective. Attending his funeral and meeting his parents was more difficult and more emotional than I ever could have imagined. It was a beautiful service, and a great tribute.
Last week I had to lay-off my entire department. I know these guys are pros and will quickly rebound, but we formed a very close-knit team. We were working on some great projects that may never be realized and that also kills me. But mostly, we won’t be working together anymore and I really miss that.
Last weekend, someone broke into my car in my driveway and stole $100 cash. Sure we could have used the cash, but losing it isn’t that big of a deal. What is upsetting is how violated I feel that someone broke into my car on my property. There is a sense of paranoia that occurs after these types events. Now I’m taking extra precautions to make sure my family is safe at night.
And finally, last night my sweet Grandmother passed away. She was my last living grandparent. One of the most loving and kind-hearted persons I have ever known. To her, family was everything. The most difficult part was being so far away from her during her last hours. But I did have the opportunity to call her and say goodbye. I was amazed at how cognizant and aware she was of what was happening to her. She knew her time had come and had gathered her family. She was able to call all her Grandchildren who lived far from home. How amazing.
As I sit here and think about the tragedy and life-changes that have occurred in the past two months, I find myself uncharacteristically in a sound state of mind. It would be too easy to go into a deep depression. It would be too easy to find blame and faults in the world. It would be too easy to be upset that these events happened around Thanksgiving and Christmastime…times when everything should be right and everyone be happy. Those types of emotions would be too easy to have.
I am very sad about what has happened, but I also have a full heart and realize these events had to happen. There is a time when all good things come to an end. I understand that now. I know my life wasn’t the only one impacted. It seems I had a series of events happen to me, but truth is these events happened to a lot of others too. I am grateful they occurred how and when they did. I’m grateful they happened in a short amount of time and I will be able to mourn briefly and then move on with building a better life.
But… please God and whatever karmic energy that surrounds me, no more life changes for a while, OK? Let me catch my breath before the next round.
Jim’s death was a tragedy. I am grateful I knew him. He was a generous soul, helping out with organizations like Helping Hands. His passing around Thanksgiving time might seem inconvenient, but if it was his time to go I’m glad he did it at a time when we reflect on being grateful and helping others. Now, each Thanksgiving I’ll reflect back on the few months that I knew Jim as a friend, and remind myself that volunteering my time is one of the best ways that I can show my gratitude. Thank you Jim.
Losing my entire team at DataNet Pro was very sorrowful. But it was something that had to be done. We took a gamble and tried marketing financial products in a down economy using a bootstrapped budget. It didn’t pay off. It is unfortunate, and the lay-off event seems untimely, but I’m grateful we even had the chance of working together. I had learned so much from each of my staff, in both the business world and life lessons, that I can’t even imagine what the past 9+ months would have been without them. The theme of this holiday season this year is to focus on what matters most in life. Without knowing my team and knowing what they are going through, I don’t know if I would have picked up on that. And what a remarkable people that my wife, my kids and I all have as friends and second family. Thank you to Ryan, Tyler, Lulu, Pete, Johanna, Mark, Sergei and Jim. You all inspire me!
Losing my Grandma is the saddest event of them all, but how grateful and proud I am to be part of her family. Her life, her love, and her family is an amazing legacy to be retold by generations. I know I’ll be passing down the love and values that she instilled in my Mom, and my mom instilled in me. I lived just a couple of miles from Grandma (and so did all my cousins). We were always together. It may seem that having a loved one pass at Christmas time is tragic, but in my eyes I can’t think of a more fitting and better time for Grandma to pass. This was the time of year she loved. This is the time of year we will all remember her.
For 4-5 weeks of every year her house was full of laughter of kids and adults at play, delicious smells from her cooking of stacks and stacks of sugar cookies, sounds of the door chimes from the coming and going of all the grandkids, puddles of melting snow from the boots on her landing, warmth of a fire crackling in her wood burning stove, the sights of two, sometimes three tables spread with goodies for the taking, and the love that comes from knowing everyone who walked in the door was welcomed in that house. I know that all kids think their grandparent’s are magic, but my Grandma especially was.
Merry Christmas Grandma. We love you.
Sophomore Heaven
Feb 8, 2009 personal
I don’t know why, but the term “sophomore heaven” came to mind the other day. It has been well over a decade since I’ve heard or even thought of this term, and some reason I flashed on it.
What is it?
Sophomore Heaven was a common term used back in my high school. In my district, to help with school population freshmen actually attended middle schools as the senior class (I can’t remember if that was state-wide or a county thing), so sophomores were the underlings, and thus the ones who received the blunt of all the junior and senior hi-jinks. One tradition was that during school assemblies, sophomores were required to sit in the balcony of the auditorium, while the main floor was reserved for seniors and juniors. If a sophomore was caught trying to be stealthy and sit on the main floor, a spotlight was placed on him and he was not-so-graciously escorted back to “sophomore heaven” by the Usher Squad (of which I was a member in both my jr. and sr. years) with much fanfare and heckling from all members of the audience.
It’s interesting that as you get older, the ages of people you associate with mean less and less. In high school, most kids would only associate with other kids of the same class. Sometimes the junior class would hang out with seniors, and sophomores with the juniors. But rarely did you see sophomores and seniors in the same groups together. Some of those lines still remained true during college. But once you enter the workforce, age difference means less and less. I’ve reported to bosses and business owners younger than me (and I was in my 20’s), but I’ve also employed people older than me. Socially speaking, nothing has quite been like the experience that high school was.
It’s funny, that social sites like Facebook are starting to work as an active memory for those old social lines. In the past few weeks, I’ve had many high school and college friends add me to their friends list. It’s weird because I haven not spoken to most of them since our graduation party, and some of them since before then. Once I graduated High School, I never really turned my back. I was gone. Along with many of the great friendships that I had created. I embarked in search of a new life, found it, and moved on. (I haven’t even looked at my yearbooks in the 11 years since graduating.) But, as with any part of my history, my high school past is still a deep part of me. And thanks to Facebook, its starting to catch up with me.
One of my favorite shows is Friday Night Lights. Not because I used to play football (4th or 5th string defensive end if I recall correctly), but because I really enjoy how accurately portrayed and well written the story lines are. Watching that show has brought a flood of memories back to me that I thought I had suppressed. From traditions like pep rallies, dances, and student elections, to teenage stresses such as studying, worrying about graduating and getting into college, and tests, to high school drama such as girlfriends, fights, cross-town rivalries, and cliques. I always thought high school was rough for me, but as I got older, I realized it was rough for everyone. Some while they were there, others once they left.
Knowing this is written publicly and anyone from my past can run across it at anytime, I’ve got to say something: To the 1996 class of Layton High School, thank you! Thank you to those who I played football, Ultimate Frisbee, basketball or baseball with, to those I ran track or threw boomerangs with, to those in video productions, business clubs, and programming, to those girlfriends and girls-I-wished-were-girlfriends, to those tight-knit group of friends, to the teachers, coaches and staff: THANK YOU! I am who I am because of you. And I’m doing just fine!
Tags: high school
Reflections
Jan 15, 2009 personal
I awoke from a dreamlike state the other morning, wishing I could return to sleep and live permanently in that alter-universe I experienced. It was so lucid, and so…happy? It was a dream where I woke several times, and yet still returned to the same environment with the same people each time I fell back asleep. It was vivid and beautiful, and the lucidity of it all was exhilarating. My alarm would go off, and I’d hush it just so I could hurry back to my second life.
I finally gave up, woke up, and went to work a little later than usual (though still on time).
I spent that morning in a reflection. On the dream I had. The people in it. Then on life. On what my passions are, what I enjoy in life, what I hate about life. It was a refreshing morning to cycle through my emotions and check myself against reality.
I always tried to live the saying “live a life without regrets”. Truth is, that is impossible. We all have regrets at some point or another. And when those regretful events occur, we look back and say “if that didn’t occur, then A and B couldn’t have happened.” Those tiny regrets are easy to overcome, whether through justification or comprehension. It’s the big regrets that take chunks out of you.
I have one major regret in my life that I’ve struggled with over the years. When I was 15, my cousin and best friend passed away. He suffered from muscular dystrophy and spinal meningitis. Prior to getting the meningitis, we’d hang out with our other cousins (we had a close group) and roam the streets of our small town as teens. My cousin truly had the spirit of a teenager despite his physical limitations. He was a very cool kid and as my elder, I wanted to be just like him.
It was the combination of the two diseases that were lethal, and he survived several months longer than was expected, to the point where we thought he’d fully recover from the meningitis. I spent nearly everyday with him in those final months, often spending the night at his house and assisting in anyway I could. Meningitis is a scary disease, with the afflicted often phasing in and out of a state of awareness. I didn’t understand much at the time, but I was there by his side as much as would allow to be there during the brief moments when his self-awareness returned. I cherished those moments, and the depth of the conversations I had with my cousin made it clear that he had an understanding of what was happening to him far beyond what I could fathom.
Every night, when I left to go home, I’d always say “Good Bye Casey, see you tomorrow!” whether he could comprehend my words or not. The night he passed away was the only night I didn’t say goodbye. And I’ve regretted it ever since.
His death spun me into an extremely long and dark depression in my late teens. During the time when most kids are sprouting and finding their identities, I was sequestering mine. Much of my sophomore and junior years of high school are blocked from memory still to this day. It wasn’t until my senior year that I finally started to break out of it and truly find out who I was. I had friends and family who pulled me along, and I truly wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today if it wasn’t for them.
In my adult years, I’ve come to full understanding of what that night meant. I know that the last thing my cousin would want me to carry through life would be a mediocre regret such as that. I put a lot of weight into that regret when I shouldn’t have. I know he would have brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal, and would expect the same from me. It took me a while, but I did.
And its something I’ve learned to do over and over. It’s OK to have regrets in life. Learn from them and move on. I have my one regret, and I’m OK with that.
There’s a saying that goes “Hindsight is 20/20″. Oh how true that is. When we reach the crossroads in life, we may not know the meaning of the events that are unfolding before us, but we need to accept them and move on. Later in life we can see how the pieces are put together, and see why things happen when they happened. Or not. But we need to move on.
I truly miss my cousin, along with several other friends and family members that have passed on. I owe them the world, because my world wouldn’t be what it is if it wasn’t for them.
