Jason Murphy

MySpace Usage In Rapid Decline

Jul 23, 2006 News and Blues

July 23rd, 2006 – Somewhere in Hot California – MySpace, an overly addictive community site owned by the Fox News megaborg, was reported down for a considerable portion of the weekend due to a massive heat wave that crashed on the shores of California. California is where the site’s data centers are located.

Califonia residents have been given a Heat Advisory warning about the extreme conditions and have been asked to consider turning down their air conditioners so that MySpace may be able to come back online.

“This is ridiculous!” Said Ashley, a high school Senior from Carlsbad, California. “I can live without air conditioning. I feel so lost without my Myspace!”

Her boyfriend, Carl, was less sympathetic. While playing Xbox Live he was heard telling his girlfriend to “cry to someone else about your MySpace problems!”

Jose, a 31 year old resident of Belmont, California, went dateless tonight. He tells us MySpace is to blame. “I had tickets to the Giants and everything. Nothing sucks worse than going to the game alone. It sucks worse that they lost tonight. Man, I hate MySpace!”

On the other side of the nation, residents of New York were in nearly as much angst. Sherrie, an accounts executive on Madison Avenue was relieved to hear MySpace was down. “My power is out too, so I feel better knowing that my friends can’t be MySpacing since I can’t any ways.”

In Las Vegas, Jason Murphy thinks it may a bigger problem “That power outage took down my sites too. I must be in the same data center or a webhost hotel nearby. But my site is back up now, what’s MySpace’s problem?” Jason was also showing signs of larger withdrawal symptoms such as staring contests with his monitor and trying to answer Stephen Hawking’s question to the Life, The Universe, and Everything. He even went so far as to blame it all on Google. Seriously? “Seriously!“

The Department of Home Security is considering raising the terrorist threat level to Orange since MySpace was used as one of the departments major lines of communication. “We foresaw MySpace going down in the near future as a possible terrorist act. This is one reason why we prepared and launched Ready.gov. (We even have a cute picture story for the kids.) Little did we know that the air conditioning shortage in California would lead to this national crisis,” reported an Unofficial Department Spokesman, “We will learn from this event and be much more prepared for future attacks.”

FEMA officials were on vacation, but when reached were able to mention (off the record) that “We’re considering offering temporary MySpace pages to victims of the power outages on both coasts. Those who may be affected can visit our web page for more answers. It’s still up, right? Our webpage I mean. We didn’t go down like MySpace did?” When confirmed that it was still functioning he was overheard shouting in background: “Hey sweetie, will you call our sysadmin and check on the page. I just got a warning that it may be down. If not, can you tell him to take it down until MySpace is working again? Or at least put an apology on our heat page? Thanks Sugar.”

Senator Ted Stevens was caught ranting on the phone about MySpace. “I tried to get my staff to download to me the MySpace but now it is down. This is preposterous! I must have my MySpace and it can’t be delivered by a dump truck! Just who regulates MySpace’s tubes?”

When asked about Orkut, a once popular site similar to MySpace, Orkut Büyükkökten the creator of Orkut responded “Orkut? Yeah that’s me.” When asked about his site he replied “Oh, you mean my site. Well right now it is down but I hear MySpace is working on it.” When asked about Orkut.com he acknowledged “Oh! You mean Orkut.com? Yeah I’ve been wondering how that project was doing.”

Official MySpace representatives, including Tom, could not be reached for comment. All their MySpace pages were down.