Jason Murphy

Bank of America: Thinks I’m A Moron

Feb 27, 2006 Unordered Miscellany

Sometimes a guy needs to rant. Bank of America’s marketing tactics are deplorable. I’ve had to replace my debit card with them twice, once because the magnetic strip died and the other because I left it in one of their ATM machines. The latter happened because I am human, the former happened because I am not.

Once I received my replacement cards, I had to call an activation number. No big deal, I pick up the phone and dial. I enter all the magic numbers, it confirms I am indeed human, and then says “please wait while we process your card”. Then it takes 1 and 1/2 minutes of processing so that they can get an entire scare-tactic message about how my credit and identity theft are at risk (probably because I am human) and how I need to subscribe to their monthly credit check service or someone will rob me blind.

I say no.

Eerily Human-Like Automated Voice Prompt: Are you sure?

Me: No! I mean yes! I’m sure!
EH-LAVP: Oh so you DO want to go ahead and subscribe to our credit monitoring service?
Me: No!
EH-LAVP: Are you sure? (Evil Laugh).

So that was months ago. I feel like I have a stupid stalker now. Not that the stalker is stupid, but that the stalker is tracking stupid (i.e. ME.)

EH-LAVP (from above): Are you sure?
Me: Damnit! Go away already!

Today I received a call to my work number. Some telemarketer had to actually search me out on our corporate directory tree to get my extension. I pick up and immediately I am blasted about a term-life offer that they could so conveniently add to my account.

Me: Who are you people?!

EH-LAVP (from above): Ever see the Matrix?

So I turn the dude down, but he reluctantly tries to keep me from hanging up (I see cartoon like arms and legs come out of the earpiece and push back against the hangup like a cat entering a bathtub full of water).

It gets worse. I get home today and check my mail. I see a letter from Bank of America (Higher Standards Yo!). Usually BofA doesn’t send me anything unless there is something horribly wrong with my account. And to that note they are pretty good too. They once stalled me from moving half way across the country because someone (me) was using my card too much for Gas. I had to sit at a Gas station for 3 hours (it was early early morning) while their customer service line decided to wake up. Then I’m told “It looks like someone is traveling with your card. We sent you a letter about it.” You think? Friggin Sherlocks, all of you.

But todays letter wasn’t their sleuth anti-fraud team looking out for me. No, it was a: GIFT CARD! Oh so happy! $20 dollars to spend anyway I wanted at Lowe’s! Think of all the caulk guns I could buy!

I wasn’t amused. Their marketing letter went something like this: “If your claim card matches one of these three sets of numbers, you won a $20 gift card! If you won, call the blah blah number and claim your card now. If you don’t like your CompleteHome membership, you can cancel anytime!” Of course the numbers matched the claim code on the card. This was a miserable attempt at getting me to subscribe to another add-on service that I could conveniently tack on to my existing account.

EH-LAVP: We call it Stumble Marketing.
Me: Are you trying to make me feel stupid?
EH-LAVP: For a shinier card, press 3.

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